Infertility Before Treatments

In the fall of 2008, when my hubby and I were planning to get married, I was asked by someone if we were going to start a family soon after the wedding. I remember saying, "We're not even married yet - ask me in 10 years!" After the wedding, some more people asked. Indian families are big on procreating and love to ask people when they're gonna get moving on starting a family. After the wedding, my answer changed to, "We just got married - ask me in 5 years!" Half a year later, I remember thinking, 'I'm already 28! Maybe we should start trying next year.' My timeline for wanting babies was shrinking rapidly.

In June of 2010, a year a half into our marriage, I stopped taking the pill and waited to get pregnant. And I waited. And waited. They say that if you don't get pregnant within a year and you're under 35, you should seek help. That's also when you get the label of infertile. I noticed that I had put on weight, my acne had returned with a vengeance, and my cycles were way too long and irregular. After way too much googling, I was convinced that I had PCOS - polycystic ovarian syndrome, and that's why I wasn't getting pregnant. So in May 2011, after 11 months of unsuccessful trying, I went to the doctor.


The doctor said that some people just take a little longer to get pregnant. He checked my hormones, and he said I was perfectly healthy. I wasn't convinced. I told him that I'd noticed certain things about my body, and I wanted him to check my ovaries for cysts. He reluctantly agreed, but it turned out that my ovaries were clear. I was told there was nothing wrong and to keep trying, and that was the end of that.


Another year went by. Still no pregnancy. By then, I was so terrified that if I went back to the doctor, I'd be told that I could never have kids. So I didn't go. Eventually though, I knew I needed to get more testing to find out what was going on. In the fall of 2012, I tried another doctor. This time, I got the diagnosis. PCOS with a string of cysts lining each of my ovaries. Three months of Day 21 Progesterone bloodwork verified that I wasn't even ovulating.


I was referred to an OBGYN. It took me a few months for my first appointment, and then three more cycles to do further testing. He confirmed that I still wasn't ovulating. That summer, he had me start on Metformin pills for insulin resistance. The meds did their job - they balanced out my hormones and they got me ovulating. I even lost half the weight I'd gained. But I was sick all the time. Constantly running to the bathroom only works when you stay at home during the holidays. But going back to work meant that I had to stop taking the meds. I was sure that there was no way I'd even be able to get pregnant on those pills because I was so sick and dehydrated all the time I took them.



The following year was rough. Everybody around me seemed to have babies or be pregnant. It was hard to see. I felt jealous, and then I felt guilty about being jealous. I was sad for myself. I prayed, I pleaded. I was mostly happy on a day to day basis. But my longing for a baby was in the back of my head... so about once a month, I needed to break down and cry it out. And then I'd be okay. And go about my normal daily life in a healthy way. I exercised and ate healthy food. I spent way too much time googling ways to treat infertility without actually going for fertility treatments. I was scared to go that route. All the testing and money and physical and emotional pain of treatments was something I wanted to avoid. I kept hoping that I would miraculously get pregnant on my own. I didn't.


Finally, in the spring of 2014, my family doctor said I should go ahead with fertility treatments. He wanted to refer me to a fertility clinic, the Pacific Centre for Reproducive Medicine (PCRM). I agreed.

Moving along

Things are moving along in so many aspects!

First, my job situation with finding a position for next school year is solved. (Yippeeeeeee!) With the help of a dear colleague and my union president, I was lucky to get support from my principal and HR during a meeting on Wednesday. After holding my breath for a day and a half, on Thursday evening, I got the phone call. I was given a full time continuing position in the same school where I've been for 8 years. This exceeded what I'd even thought was possible. I get to stay in Adult Ed, and I get to stay at my own school. I was in disbelief for the first couple of days, but now I'm just plain happy. The last 8 weeks of uncertainty really took a toll on my my mind which ended up affecting me physically. Feeling normal is so underrated.

Second, I had my trip to PCRM on Thursday. Paying another $6500 was a little nerve wracking. And that's not even the entire cost yet. Paid $500 last week, and more payments to come over the next few weeks. I described it to to my friend like this: "It's like buying a car. But after you pay, you might or might not actually get one."

After payment, I had my sonohysterogram. I was happy to see my own main doctor would be doing the procedure. At the clinic, you never know who will be doing what for you - one doctor manages my case, but anyone of the docs can do the monitoring and procedures. Turns out that my uterus looks fine with no abnormal growths inside!! Speculums are always uncomfortable, but this time it wasn't painful. When he pumped the saline solution into my uterus, I felt cramping and discomfort, but again, not a lot of pain. Another good thing is that the catheter was easily able to get to where it needed to in my uterus, which means the shape of my uterus shouldn't be an issue when it comes time to transfer an embryo or two back in there.

Next, I had my medication appointment. It was a bit overwhelming. I'll be on Marvelon for 19 days instead of 21 (yay!). I'm relieved because I've had a few days of really bad headaches that started midday and wouldn't go away til I went to bed for the night. Not much nausea anymore is a relief.

 A few days later, I'll have baseline bloodwork and ultrasound and then start stimulating my ovaries. I'll be on an antagonistic protocol for my IVF to make sure my ovaries don't let those eggs go before they're ready for retrieval. During the following weeks, I'll be using Gonal-F and Marvelon to stimulate follicle growth, Orgalutran to prevent ovulation, Pregnyl to trigger ovulation at the right time and to prime the endometrium. Then I'll use Crinone suppositories for progesterone support. I'll write more about the meds once I move onto that step.

I'm excited to start stims and get closer to making our embryos, but also a bit apprehensive to be poking myself a ridiculous amount of times, also getting pokes from nurses during monitoring, and having a whole lot more of those internal ultrasounds. I've heard the suppositories are pretty gross. And then there's the side effects of all those meds. EEEEEEK!! I'm keeping my eye on the goal, though. :)

I'm off of work for two weeks now which is really nice! Also means more time for more posts! Catch ya soon!

An eventful week

I'm on day 6 of my 21 days of Marvelon. So far I've been having slight nausea and feeling more tired that usual. Both of them are common side effects. Also feeling random dull aches in my head, but none of the symptoms are too strong or horrible yet! I've kept up with eating well and walking regularly, so overall I think I'm doing pretty good.

This week should be interesting. Three important things are going on:

1) On Wednesday afternoon, I'll be meeting with HR and my principal and our union president to discuss my job for next year. Really hoping something good comes from this. The uncertainty about next year's position has been weighing heavily on me the last while, and I'd like to put it behind me.

2) On Thursday, I'll be having a sonohysterogram (also called a saline infusion sonogram) at my fertility clinic, PCRM. They'll be using a speculum and inserting a catheter to put saline into my uterus. Then they'll put in an ultrasound probe to see how everything looks inside. Finding nothing interesting inside there would be great news.

3) After the procedure on Thursday, I have an IVF medication appointment with a PCRM nurse. She'll explain the injectable meds I'll be needing when I move onto stimulating my ovaries. I'll learn what to take and how to take it and how to mix my own meds. Kinda thrilling because these hormone injections will help create and plump up the egg that will be the start of our baby!

That's all for now. Except that it's Geek Pride Day which is kinda sorta amusing. 

CIAW 2015

Today marks the first day of Candian Infertility Awareness Week. And I have good news - the witch has arrived! Yesterday I began a new cycle, with the previous one ending on cd50!!

This morning the clinic charged us a $500 IVF deposit, so we're OFFICIALLY doing IVF now! My sister told me on the phone today that she could hear the excitement in my voice. I'm not even trying to be cautious about my feelings, in case... I'm just plain super duper excited! Tomorrow I'll begin taking Marvelon. I don't know if it's because we just watched the new Avengers movie the other day, but taking pills called Marvelon kinda makes me feel like a super hero. Basically, it's birth control pills that I'll be taking for three weeks. That way my ovaries can have a nice slumber before I make them run a marathon.

The sunny weather and a nice walk around the neighbourhood and my yummy homemade brekkie smoothie (banana + mango + cabbage + spinach + carrot + milk) gave me a great start to the day. Today I'm working through some Pre-Calculus Math 12 for my self-directed Pro-D, and I'm actually finding it quite fun. It's like I can feel my brain growing! (I can almost hear some of you muttering the words "yuck" and "nerd")  hehe :P

Thanks for reading. Time to get back to Permutation and Combinations. I'll leave you with my first picture on this blog. I really should add pics more often!

Provera and more

So now I'm on cd48! *groan* A week ago, I emailed my doctor wondering if I should keep waiting or if something needed to be done. He had me start a prescription of Provera to help kick start my next cycle. Two good things about Provera are that it's cheap ($2-something was my cost) and that the pills are tiny (easy to swallow). One crappy thing about Provera is that I'm getting side effects that are similar to PMS - cramping, lower back pain, and acne. I've used up 7 of my 10 pills, and still no sign of the witch (my term for my period, or "Aunt Flow" or AF). Let's hope the last 3 do the the job!

Despite waiting so long for the witch to arrive so I can get a move on with IVF, I'm actually pretty darn happy today. It's Friday! I had a nice day at work. I went for a walk in the sunshine. And it's a long weekend! We'll be celebrating my nephew's 14th birthday this weekend too.. family time is always nice. 

You may have noticed my silence on Mother's Day. The reason is, I don't have a lot to say this year. In the past, Mother's Day has been difficult. It's hard to hold back tears when you're absolutely bombarded (particularly on social media) with how much of a blessing it is to be a mom, and you've been struggling for years and haven't been able to experience that joy and don't know if you ever will. This year, though, I didn't feel any sadness. I enjoyed celebrating my mom and sister's special day. I suppose I'm so filled with hope right now that it's drowned out the sorrow of not already being a mom. I also read several articles dedicated to women who are mothers without kids - those mothers who have angel babies in heaven, those who are mothers who just haven't been able to have a child yet (this is kinda how I view myself), those who mother other people's children as their own. It was nice to know that people remembered, thought of us, prayed for us, and acknowledged us through their writing. The yummy barbecue and coconut cream pie and chocolate cake helped make the day a little sweeter, too! :)

Please cross your fingers for me that there's a witch sighting soon! 

Good things

My last two posts showcased the rough time I was having with work issues (which still aren't solved), but now that I'm feeling a bit more balanced, I'll go back to writing about IVF treatment.

I'm almost ready to get going with my IVF protocol. I'm on cycle day 39 (CD39), and my cycle is usually closer to 35 days. I'm later than usual (no, not pregnant!) by a few days... but that could just be from stress. So any day now, my next cycle will begin. Why is that so fantastic? Because on CD3 I get to begin the oral contraceptive pill (OCP) Marvelon as my first part of IVF treatment. I'll be taking it for 21 days to give my ovaries a rest before I send them into overdrive in the following cycle. Hopefully that will also allow enough time for my cyst in my ovary to completely disappear. They'll check for the cyst after my three weeks of Marvelon. I was happy to learn from my doctor that even if it's still there, they will still go ahead with treatment as long as my estrogen isn't too high. *fingers crossed* 

So while nothing has happened quite yet... being so close is super exciting! I'm having a hard time waiting, but I keep telling myself things like "Patience is a virtue" and "Good things come to those who wait". And by good things, I'm sure you can guess that I'm thinking of babies! Meanwhile, I'm trying to stay healthy to help my chances of success. The beautiful sunshiney weather and the late work shift meant that I was able to make myself a healthy smoothie for brekkie and to go for a walk around the neighbourhood. Gotta try n stay positive and make the best of each day. My time WILL come!

Waves

My last post was full of anxiety. Sadly, things got a lot worse before they got better. I got more and more anxious throughout the night, and eventually I ended up in a panic, nauseated and feeling so hot that I felt like I was fainting. I dumped cold water on myself, and that seemed to make me feel more alive. I was still exhausted, shaky, and a complete mess. A trip to the ER around 3:00 am took care of it.

I paced in the parking lot of the hospital for almost an hour. I was shaking badly from the cold, but I couldn't handle the temperature indoors - it made me feel like I wouldn't be able to stay conscious. When it was my turn, I was given an Ativan, and that knocked me out. Got home at 6:00 am and went straight to bed, and slept til almost 2:00 pm. I woke up feeling a hundred times better. And I thought that was the end of it. But I'm still not back to normal.

Since Friday, my anxiety is coming and going. Sometimes it's mild. Sometimes I fear that I'm going to get physically sick again. Distracting myself works. Talking about it helps, too. When I have to explain my work situation to someone, it sounds like it's not so bad. Like I'll make it through just fine. But when I'm sitting quietly and not interacting with anyone, I start thinking. Way too much. And it brings on waves of anxiety and makes me feel shaky inside. I don't know how long this will last, but I need to move past this as soon as possible. Thinking about the anxiety gives me more anxiety because I'm scared of what happened to me the other night.

I just want this work stuff over with so I can focus my mind, my body, my entire being on IVF. The good news is that I get two more weeks at my own school. That means two less weeks of working on call. I 'm not certain whether I'm more nervous about being away from my own school and getting a permanent job elsewhere or about working on call for less than two months. I'm looking forward to the time when these waves of anxiety won't wash over me in between the times when I'm distracted. I miss feeling mentally healthy and well-adjusted. Hopefully soon.

I need to remember that this isn't just something that's happening to me. Sure, the events are happening to me. But what my mind is doing... I can and need to control it. I can't let me fears run my life. I have to be strong. And if there's one change my infertility has caused, it's definitely made me stronger than I thought that I could ever be. Looking forward to waves of relief and happiness soon.