Thursday, April 30, 2015

Brain Explosion Pending

My head is a mess today. I'm days away from beginning IVF. But what's really making things rough is work. I'm having trouble accepting and dealing with the idea of having to work elsewhere. No change in pay or benefits. Huge change in job description. 

When I got my first contract teaching Adult Ed in my school, I was in a different place than where I am today. I hadn't even met my husband face to face at that point - our relationship was limited to online and phone interactions. I had previously worked on call at this school and absolutely loved it. And when I got my first contract position there, I quickly learned that I wanted to stay there as long as I could. My contracts there ended several times, I got laid off, was reassigned, and was transferred, yet somehow, I managed to stay there. 

In the last eight years, so much has changed. Our toughest battle has been infertility. The shame, the fear, the pain. The longing. The wondering and waiting. The hope followed by disappointment, month after month after month. So much instability. But through it all, one of the things that has remained constant is that I've been teaching at the most amazing school. The staff, the students, the culture.. it's my home. 

And now as I get ready to face IVF, perhaps the most overwhelming thing I'll ever have to deal with.. and perhaps the one thing that might make up for four years and ten months of longing for parenthood... I can't even give any mental energy to IVF. My brain feels like it might explode from all the pressure from this job situation. I'm queasy and my head feels heavy and my neck feels stiff and I'm exhausted. And I'm still kinda hoping this is all a dream, and when I wake up, I'll remember this nightmare about losing my position and be very thankful to still have my place in Adult Ed.

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