Sunday, May 3, 2015


My last post was full of anxiety. Sadly, things got a lot worse before they got better. I got more and more anxious throughout the night, and eventually I ended up in a panic, nauseated and feeling so hot that I felt like I was fainting. I dumped cold water on myself, and that seemed to make me feel more alive. I was still exhausted, shaky, and a complete mess. A trip to the ER around 3:00 am took care of it.

I paced in the parking lot of the hospital for almost an hour. I was shaking badly from the cold, but I couldn't handle the temperature indoors - it made me feel like I wouldn't be able to stay conscious. When it was my turn, I was given an Ativan, and that knocked me out. Got home at 6:00 am and went straight to bed, and slept til almost 2:00 pm. I woke up feeling a hundred times better. And I thought that was the end of it. But I'm still not back to normal.

Since Friday, my anxiety is coming and going. Sometimes it's mild. Sometimes I fear that I'm going to get physically sick again. Distracting myself works. Talking about it helps, too. When I have to explain my work situation to someone, it sounds like it's not so bad. Like I'll make it through just fine. But when I'm sitting quietly and not interacting with anyone, I start thinking. Way too much. And it brings on waves of anxiety and makes me feel shaky inside. I don't know how long this will last, but I need to move past this as soon as possible. Thinking about the anxiety gives me more anxiety because I'm scared of what happened to me the other night.

I just want this work stuff over with so I can focus my mind, my body, my entire being on IVF. The good news is that I get two more weeks at my own school. That means two less weeks of working on call. I 'm not certain whether I'm more nervous about being away from my own school and getting a permanent job elsewhere or about working on call for less than two months. I'm looking forward to the time when these waves of anxiety won't wash over me in between the times when I'm distracted. I miss feeling mentally healthy and well-adjusted. Hopefully soon.

I need to remember that this isn't just something that's happening to me. Sure, the events are happening to me. But what my mind is doing... I can and need to control it. I can't let me fears run my life. I have to be strong. And if there's one change my infertility has caused, it's definitely made me stronger than I thought that I could ever be. Looking forward to waves of relief and happiness soon. 

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