The Result

Last night I told hubby that I didn't think I was pregnant. I'd been feeling it for a few days. I was also naughty and had been testing early with home pregnancy tests, and my urine simply refused to give even the faintest second line. An hour later, I started bleeding. And then I knew it was over.

I cried it out. Like not the tears silently streaming down your face kind of crying, but the big, loud, ugly crying. I felt like my heart was in pieces. I felt betrayed and broken. I had pleaded and prayed for this pregnancy. With a 65% success rate, I was counting on this to work for me. But it didn't, and it wasn't fair. And so I cried some more. My hubby was endlessly patient with me. Held me and let me get it all out. And I really did feel better to get it out.

I phoned the on-call clinic doctor, and he told me to keep taking my progesterone and to go for the beta blood test the next day because it's common to bleed during IVF pregnancies. He gave me a bit of hope. But at the same time, I just knew I wasn't pregnant.

I had lots of intense dreams last night. I was up at 5:10 am, so I could get to the lab near my school to do the blood test before starting work. I was sad in the morning, but only cried a little, and only a couple of times. When I saw the result online in the afternoon, I wasn't surprised. I knew it would be negative, and it was. So, our first IVF officially failed. A BFN. In infertility circles, that's a common acronym that means Big Fat Negative.

I think I will miss the feeling of maybe being pregnant. It was nice to think our baby might be in there. But the blood test showed I was never pregnant. I'd had this nagging feeling for a couple of days that this hadn't worked, and it's hard to try n grasp hope when you're feeling pretty hopeless. It was good to get some closure with the official test results. I feel relatively calm and at peace right now as I write this. I imagine the crying and grieving isn't over.

I'm lucky to have people in my life who are supporting me through this. My hubby and I are so much stronger together than each of us are individually. He has been taking over a whole lot more housework than usual, preparing separate meals for me at times, and letting me spend a lot of time resting. It's definitely helped while my body is trying to return to normal after what I just put it through.

Care Package from my sis

My family and friends (including some fantastic colleagues) also add to my strength. Unpregnant Chicken has been my go to person with her practical advice and answers to my many questions. And I forgot to write this in my earlier post, but my sister took my transfer day as the perfect opportunity to spoil me with pretty flowers and a care package (and she even added a treat for hubby). I guess as horrible as this failed IVF is, I have to remember that I have much to be thankful for in life. And I really am thankful. But this still sucks.